Why Setting Boundaries Feels Selfish (And How to Change That)

We have all been told to set boundaries. As if that is the one thing keeping us from having happy relationships. Once our boundaries are perfect, everyone — even the harmful, immature people — will behave in our presence. Seems too good to be true, right? Well, it's good (yet annoying) advice, but it doesn't convey the full picture. And I'm all about the full picture.

What nobody explains about setting boundaries

Most boundary advice treats a boundary like a line drawn in the sand. A rule. A wall. Do not cross this. And for some people, in some situations, that framing works fine.

But for many of the people I work with — especially those who grew up around chaos, emotional immaturity, or unpredictability — that framing creates a whole new problem. Because the moment they try to draw that line, something inside them resists. It feels mean. It feels selfish. It feels like they are becoming the difficult one. Even the most rebellious clients of mine don't want that "being difficult" label again.

Again. Because it's not new. They feel triggered because it's a familiar pain. Their systems contract and shrink at the idea of being perceived as difficult. But are they really — difficult?

Nervous System Disruptors

Some people regulate your nervous system. You know who they are — you feel calmer, clearer, more like yourself after spending time with them. A good therapist or coach is like that. And some people do the opposite. You leave a conversation feeling drained, anxious, smaller than when you arrived. You possibly replay what was said for hours. You might feel a vague sense of dread before you even see them — as mentioned before, your brain is a prediction-making organ, cross-referencing every current situation with what happened in the past.

I call these people Nervous System Disruptors.

They are not always narcissists or toxic people. Often they are people who are emotionally immature, overwhelmed by their own unresolved patterns, or simply not aware of the effect they have. But the impact on your system is real regardless of their intention. And the closer they are to you — a parent, a partner, a sibling — the more disruptive the effect.

Where it starts

Growing up around a Nervous System Disruptor teaches you a deeply impactful lesson: other people's emotional states are your responsibility. Their discomfort, their overwhelm, or their inability to handle their own mental, physical, or emotional states signal danger in your nervous system. So you go above and beyond to fix and smooth things over — because that is what kept things safe.

I see this with my clients. Some of them were trying to be the mature one at four years old, because they had no choice but to be the parent in their own home. So it makes complete sense to not want to set boundaries — because that was never an option growing up. It was never part of the real world they knew.

Two things that can help. Neither of them easy.

One — creating safety in your body. Whether it's breathing exercises, alternate breathing, box breathing, or whatever helps you come back to your centre. It doesn't have to be a mind-led practice. It can be anything that helps you feel more like yourself again. Hypervigilance pulls your focus outward. For now, we want it here. Present. In your body.

Two — embodying the understanding that we cannot control other people's actions. This is not giving up. It is an active process of becoming aware of what and who brings harmony, and what and who drains it. And actively choosing — representing yourself, removing yourself from situations where the draining happens. I see it as a dance. Move towards what feels like safety, balance, or joy. Turn away from what doesn't.

But there is one foundational step that goes deeper than both of these. And it is what makes everything else more possible.

The foundational step for real boundaries

As mentioned above, if our belief system was built in an environment of instability and emotional insecurity, then sooner or later any conscious boundary setting will feel ineffective.

Breathing exercises and conscious awareness will take you far. But the pattern that makes boundaries feel dangerous was imprinted into your long-term memory and can only be accessed when working with the subconscious mind. In hypnotherapy this pattern can be made obsolete — once we have done what was required to make you and the younger version of you feel safe. That she no longer needs to manage everyone else's emotional world to survive. And that she is allowed to take up space. That she can choose herself and by being herself she becomes that grounding, calming person to the people around her.

What this looks like in real life

I can't guarantee that there won't be more confrontations, but you won't take them as personal attacks. You will stop over-explaining your choices to people who were never going to understand them anyway. You notice when a conversation is pulling you into a pattern that doesn't serve you, and you leave it — physically or emotionally — without guilt. You start to recognise the difference between someone who challenges you in ways that help you grow and someone who simply destabilises you. And seeing this in real life, beyond meditation or hypnosis gives you the proof that you can and are doing it.

If that sounds like something you need, the free discovery call is a good place to start.