The Most Dangerous Phrase in Parenting

Picture this: your child is outside, climbing trees, pretending to be their favourite character. Suddenly you hear a scream. By the time you reach them, their face is covered with tears. You scoop them up, hold them close, and whisper:

“You’re okay.”

What you mean is: You’re safe now. I’ve got you. We’ll figure this out together.

But is that what they hear? Can they interpret all of that meaning in just two words?

To be perfectly honest, this phrase never became part of my vocabulary as a parent. As a non-English speaking parent, I didn’t grow up with it, so it doesn’t come naturally when accidents happen. What I do remember, however, is how it felt when my pain was minimised. Sometimes by being compared to others who had “bigger hurts,” other times by being shamed for feeling what I was feeling at all.

That’s why this phrase matters more than we think. Research highlighted by Reem Raouda shows that “you’re okay” is one of the most overused and misunderstood phrases in parenting. And even though it’s said with love, it unintentionally undermines the very resilience we’re trying to build in our kids.

The reason it’s deemed the most dangerous phrase is because it seems so harmless at first. It sounds comforting, even protective - but beneath the surface, it can quietly chip away at a child’s emotional safety.

Why “You’re Okay” Hurts More Than It Helps

One of our most basic human needs is to feel validated. To know that what we are going through is real. That our thoughts and feelings matter. That we are loved even in that fallible and vulnerable state right after a physical (or emotional) hurt.

The only way to truly acknowledge an experience is to have it witnessed. For someone to listen, to let us feel it, and to be with us in it. When we can name what we are going through, the experience shifts. It feels lighter. More manageable.

Being in that painful space with someone willing to stay in the uncomfortable void is deeply reassuring. It tells us: you are not alone.

I know all this may sound “too deep” - and in our fast-paced lives, we often don’t have the time or the willingness to go there. But for kids, emotions are this deep. Their sadness can feel bottomless. Their joy can feel ecstatic.

So when we slap a quick “you’re okay” on top of the deepest hurt they’ve felt in that moment, it doesn’t land as comforting. It lands as dismissal. And that’s why this little phrase, though well-intentioned, isn’t the most emotionally aware thing to say.

Good Enough Parenting

We also don’t need to be emotionally tuned in 24/7. No parent can be perfect around the clock - it isn’t sustainable, and honestly, it isn’t healthy either.

A good enough parent is exactly that… good enough.

I know I’m not always the most emotionally aware mum. There are moments I look back on and think, “She might bring that one up with her therapist in 20 years.” And that’s okay. I actually believe therapy (and hypnotherapy) will be much more common by then.

What To Say Instead

Children don’t need us to rush them out of their feelings. They don’t even need us to fix things straight away. What they need most is to know that what they feel is real, that it matters, and that we can stay with them while they move through it.

Sometimes that can sound like:

• “I saw what happened. That must have hurt.”

• “I’m right here with you.”

• “It’s okay to feel sad right now.”

Simple words, but they tell a child: You’re safe. You’re not alone. Your feelings are welcome here.

And if “you’re okay” slips out sometimes? That’s okay too. Conscious parenting isn’t about perfection. It’s about awareness, and choosing to respond in ways that build connection rather than shut it down.

These little moments may seem small, but they are the building blocks of resilience. When our children learn that their feelings can be seen and held without judgment, they grow into adults who trust themselves, who feel safe to connect, and who know that being human — messy, vulnerable, and emotional — is always okay.